Consistency

Why are good habits so hard to master?

Developing good healthy habits can be tricky. We all at some point, want to improve ourselves in some way; whether that is personal, work based, family or wider social networking. Whatever it is that you currently want to improve, you are not alone. Throughout the cycle of a year the majority of people will aim to start or restart healthier habits, for example, after new years, up yo 45% of people create new year resolutions linked to exercise. In the spring a new motivation to change occurs linked to longer days and more daylight. After the summer, people look to healthier habits after summer indulgences and for their children to start healthier habits for the start of the new academic year. But something stands out for me when writing this. Why do people create habits that they cannot persevere with? Does it surprise you to hear less than 10% of people who set resolutions stick to them long term?

Starting too big?

Do you remember a time when you have tried to create a new habit. Did you absolutely ‘smash’ it for the first few weeks or month and then something interrupted your routine; a weekend away, an illness, work pressures? And then for some reason you either fell off entirely or the habit faded away? Ask yourself the question, “What did I set out to achieve?” Was it losing weight? Was it running a marathon? Was it the early completion of a project to try and impress your boss?. Next question to ask, “Was my goal too large to achieve in the timeframe I gave myself?” Often people set lofty goals to achieve but not given themselves enough time to complete them?

By starting small and working on developing the habitual side of the goal, you will be able to maintain that consistency, be able to build upon the habit over a longer period of time and therefore be able to slowly work towards your initial goal and often, break it to start a new one. James Clear in Atomic Habits states by creating small wins you create momentum and reinforce your identity as someone who follows through and sticks to their habits.

In this modern age, why are unfortunately fixed in an instant gratification cycle. Want to lose weight; you can have surgery; want to watch the next episode of a programme, you can watch the whole series; want to find something out about an important topic, AI will find it for you (to be fair, I am fond of this last part.) But in most cases, getting something instantly is not the key to long lasting healthy or positive habits. Your performance at work wont improve long term if you aren’t consistently creating quality work. Your body will ultimately fail you if you aren’t nourishing it through exercise, healthy eating or relaxation.

The Answer?

There is no definitive answer on how to create lasting habits, because we are all different and at different stages of our journey, but, one way to work through your goals is through Positive Psychology Coaching.

By giving yourself and your coach time to create plans and actions; identify and plan for any barriers you may encounter and being accountable to someone like your coach, you are making it considerably more likely that you will consistently progress to that initial lofty goal you may have imagined. You will then be able to adjust the goal to the next level, or to something else entirely. Big, lofty goals are great and in fact are essential to creating the lifestyle you would like, but how we reach them is key to success. By increasing the timeframe to make that goal more realistic, creating less friction or even desperation, and not having to rely on sheer willpower alone (something that will ultimately fail you) you are making the new habits more sustainable.

So please consider, getting in touch with a qualified Positive Psychology Coach (like me!). They will listen to you, allow you to talk through your concerns and help you identify those small first steps to creating the lifestyle you want and to make your future happier, healthier and more productive.

You Don’t Need Eyes to See, You Need Vision

While listening to music in my car, waiting for my shopping to be collected, I heard this quote and it made me think about what happens in coaching and why coaching can be so powerful.

“You don’t need eyes to see, you need vision”

Maxi Jazz, Faithless

In general terms, most people have the knowledge and skill to make changes in their lives; people can create new habits that are either helpful or a hindrance to their future. Let’s use smartphones as an example. The majority of people are aware of the algorithms that run social media and that they are designed to hold our attention for as often and as long as possible. The impact of this is that people will be missing out on their lives in one way or another, whether that is personal, work, or business-related and even psychological (revenge procrastination is a thing and something people should be aware of). However, humankind struggles to break that habit, only seeing the short-term benefits they might get from endless scrolling; “It helps me stay informed”, “I research things to do for my family”, “I like the comedy sketches I see”. All of these might be true to a certain degree, but still justifying the time spent on our phones when we are missing out on time spent with our family, loss of focus at work, or essential household chores being left undone, 

The power of coaching highlights Maxi Jazz’s quote, We can all see what needs to be done, but sometimes we need intentional time and a non-judgmental soundboard to really start to use that vision; to see what our future is going to look like if it continues in this way and also what our future could look like if we begin to make small, impactful changes today.

Two groups of questions arise from this.

Start to imagine what your life will look like in a year’s time if you continued with the harmful habits you have today. 

How do you think you will feel? 

Is your habit harmful to your body? 

Will your health suffer? 

Are you noticing anything at the moment that will only get worse if you continue with this behaviour? 

Are your relationships suffering?

Now, start to imagine the opposite. 

What could your life look like in 1 year’s time if you start to make small changes today? 

How would you be feeling? 

What new positive habits are you doing on a regular basis? 

How will your body feel? 

Has your health improved? 

Are you more productive at work? 

What are your special relationships like?


These questions could be put forward to you by your coach. They are fairly simple; you may have even asked them yourself at some point, but in that coaching session, you can start to really visualise what you want your future to look like. Do you want it to continue in the way it is going at present? Or do you want to make changes that will have a strong impact on yourself, and could impact family and friends; you could be the inspiration they needed to start making important changes in their lives. Now visualise; what do you see your important groups’ lives to be like in the future you are imagining?

By giving yourself time to create a vision, to start making some small changes, one at a time, you can exponentially impact the quality of your life in just a year. And if that statement is true, then what about 5 years’ time, or 10? As James Clear states in Atomic Habits, if you improve 1% each day over a year, you would have improved approximately 37.78 times, meaning you are 38 times better than you were. If you don’t choose to improve each day, then you may stagnate or even fall backwards. Small habits, good or bad, ultimately compound over time. So if the small habits you currently have aren’t considered to be truly helpful or healthy, you will progressively feel or perform worse.

Don’t be dismayed when creating your vision; allow your imagination to run wild, because ultimately you can do anything if you put your mind to it. You and your coach can discuss the first small steps you think you need to move toward that ultimate vision.

"The problem is not that you aim too high and miss, but that you aim too low and hit.”

James Clear

Today is always the best day to start making a change, not tomorrow, not yesterday, but today. It doesn’t have to be huge and drastic; in fact, small changes are more likely to have a bigger impact over time; so start to imagine the future you truly want, the future that makes you smile, the future where you are no longer worried or stressed about how you look, feel, or perform because the habits you create today are effortless tomorrow

Making My Smartphone More Dumb Before AI Puts Me Up Against The Wall.

Procrastination

Have you ever been happily scrolling through your phone, shopping, checking your socials, answering messages as soon as they appear; and then you realise…you’ve been looking at your phone for the past three hours and you haven’t accomplished a thing except ignore your partner or children and haven’t completed the 17 things you actually needed to do that day, all because of that little enticing device in your hand monopolising all of your time, focus, and energy. When you realise this, what are the strongest thoughts or emotions you experience at that time?

“I’ve wasted a day”, “I have ignored my kids and now they are playing up”, “I didn’t watch any of that film we were watching together!”, “I am in a mood and I feel exhausted”, “the world is such a horrible place full of ignorant and violent people”

I have felt all the above so you are not alone!

A few years ago, while covering a class for a teacher, I discussed maintaining focus and avoiding distractions. I had a presentation ready and covered the impact of mobile phones on concentration. I asked them “how much time do you spend on your phones?” I was surprised by the anecdotal evidence provided by those 16-19-year-old students. One student discovered they had spent a full day on Snapchat in a week, losing that time to studying and in person socialising.. Most other students used their phones for between 10 and 18 hours on one social media app each week, spending around a day on their phones in total. Have you checked your screen time recently and how long have you spent on social media alone?

How many of us are concerned about how much time our phones are taking away from us and what other things are our phone habits take away?

A 2018 study from the journal of the Association for Consumer Research found that smartphone notifications reduce our productivity by up to 20%, and Microsoft found constant digital stimulation has reduced human attention span from 12 seconds in the year 2000 to just 8 seconds by 2013. Worryingly, the Journal of Preventative Medicine linked increased social media use to higher rates of depression and loneliness.

Let’s Get Dumb!

So what have I done?

Inspired by the Light Phone, which is a premium-priced phone made in America which does the basics of what you need in a phone. About to release its 3rd iteration; the cleverly named Light Phone 3, it has a phone, messaging, music, podcasts, a newly added camera, and maps…and that’s about it. No access to web browsers, no access to social media, no WhatsApp, and the screen looks like a Kindle. Fueled by my consumeristic nature, I wanted to buy one but thought about the aspects of my iPhone 15 Pro I did like and the architecture I am already tied into. Apple CarPlay being one, the camera and video capabilities (I film all of my content using my phone). I quickly realised that for me, it might not be the best option to change just yet, plus to pay off the phone and buy another would put me back over £1000.

That got me thinking. What if I tried to emulate the Light Phone as closely as I could get it with what are the absolute bare essentials I need on my phone?

The process I followed was to first check how many apps I had on my phone. I had justified keeping them all on there because it’s more convenient to use the app with the fast login sequence (usually involving your face), and you can get the answers, check the updates, check your bank account quickly and easily.

I had just under 100 apps on my phone. Some of them I had completely forgotten I had on there; some were rarely used apps like paying for parking, and others were linked to my interests like Goodreads or Letterboxd. I started culling the apps I basically never used. That removed about a third of the apps on my phone. I asked my daughter to count how many I had, and she counted 69 (hilarious, I know!).

No, it was time to get serious. I deleted all social media, WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook, Goodreads, Letterbox, and Storygraph. I ruthlessly deleted all of the apps I barely used like Apple’s Measure and Compass. I then made the decision to delete the mail app….a major source of distraction that, by checking the emails I have received, usually starts a cascade of checking other things just by unlocking my phone.

With that done, it made it easier for me to delete other apps I use a lot but led me down a rabbit hole of scrolling, distraction, reduced focus, reduced mood, procrastination, and the ultimate demise of human society and interaction.

I managed to get the apps down to 35. Only 9 of them were outside of the Apple economy. This may still sound like a lot, but things like Calendar, Calculator, Find My, Reminders, Shortcuts, Wallet, Watch, Weather, and Passwords are pretty important and useful to me. They allow me to plan and stay on track or remind me what I need to do for the day.

A lot of the other apps I deleted, I checked if I could access them through the web browser and saved the majority of them to bookmarks so that I could choose to update or check them intentionally.

The last thing I did, and I came upon this by chance, I found an app that made my phone look like the interface of the Light Phone. My phone has now got a black screen with 6 apps to choose from: Messages, Notes, Phone, Music, Audible, and Calendar, and it also shows the time and date at the top of the screen (you can see the picture added to this blog). They aren’t in lovely boxes that give some haptic feedback or shows when you depress them. They are just the words themselves.

Dumb But Lighter

This morning, when I woke up, I felt this pull to check my phone, but with nothing on there, I couldn’t. I have increased the friction to check socials and my mail first thing in the morning. To check them on my phone, I would have to go through more steps through the web browser, and that is not part of my click-happy habit. I can still feel a pull to check and click and open my phone. I think that addiction will take time to adjust too and remove entirely

But I have noticed a difference. I have been able to focus on writing this blog post without distraction. I used my phone intentionally, asking Chatbox to help me find the research I added earlier in the blog and then was able to put my phone back down without quickly checking my emails or any posts on social media or reply back to any WhatsApp messages; I maintained my focus and continued to work. And in there best way to replace the dopamine hits you get from the likes or the comments on posts, I celebrated my accomplishment by giving myself a cheer and clapping my hands. I smiled and focused on the feeling of happiness I received in the realisation. I said out loud “Well done Paul, you’ve accomplished something positive there”

Be Honest With Yourself

If you are truly honest with yourself and ask the questions, “Do I need this app”, “Does this app improve my life or hinder life happening?” Then you may be able to let go of those things that aren’t serving you and what you want your life to look like. I bet that if you imagined your ideal future, the image that springs to mind doesn’t involve laying on a sofa looking at your phone.

To finish with a quote from Tim Cook, Apple CEO:

“We don’t have a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when it comes to technology. It’s about using it to make your life better, not using it to be a slave to it.”

Want to be more focused at work and feel like you have a new Superpower? Try the Pomodoro Technique

If you haven’t heard of the Pomodoro technique, then please read on as it could be your secret weapon to laser-sharp focus.

Pomodoro is simple.

1. Choose a task and set a timer for 25 minutes.

2. Work on the task without any distractions until the timer goes off.

3. Take a 5-minute break to recharge.

4. Repeat steps 1-3 for a total of 4 Pomodoros, then take a longer 15-30 minute break.

The beauty of this technique lies in its simplicity. It can train your brain to maintain laser-sharp focus for these short but impactful times. A journal article in Computers in Human Behaviour noted that “participants reported higher levels of perceived productivity and were more likely to complete their tasks when using this technique” (Luo et al., 2019).

My experience of using the technique follows the research. I found giving myself a relatively short time to work and setting an intention or focus for the work allowed me to reach a flow state quicker. Having a short break also gave me a quick refresh away from my laptop and then return to my previous flow state quickly again. As the creator of Pomodoro states, “Pomodoro is designed to help you enter a state of flow. By breaking work into focused, timed intervals, it allows you to tune out distractions and immerse yourself in the task at hand” (Francesco Cirillo).

This technique can be applied to so many areas of work or study; whether you are a student, or work in the creative industry, a student, or if you work from home and can have low chances of distractions, Pomodoro could improve your work productivity, creativity, it can reduce cognitive fatigue resulting in attaining flow states for longer, and can have an impact on your work/life balance.

But we all don’t work in an ideal environment where we can work uninterrupted. If there are chances of distraction or interruption, here are some tips to help you:

1. Identify and eliminate distractions.

- Take a few minutes to identify potential sources of distraction (email, social media, or visits from co-workers).

2. Communicate your Pomodoro.

- Let your colleagues, family, or friends know that you are doing a Pomodoro and kindly request they avoid disturbing you during that time. If possible, set up a visual clue; do not disturb or, to quote Will Smith in the film Hitch, have the stamp “ F**k Off” across your forehead.

3. Delegate or postpone tasks.

- If it is possible, delegate or postpone tasks, maybe until your next break. This will help you maintain focus during the 25-minute interval.

4. Use the Pomodoro as a reset.

- If you do get interrupted during a Pomodoro, don’t get discouraged; instead, use the interruption as a trigger to start a new Pomodoro. This way, you can regain your focus and get back on track.

5. Embrace the breaks.

-The short 5-minute breaks in-between a Pomodoro are crucial for recharging and minimising the impact of distractions. Use this time to step away from your work, stretch, or do a quick task that doesn’t require a lot of focus.

6. Experiment with techniques.

- Some people may find it helpful to combine Pomodoro with other productivity methods, such as the 2-minute rule (if there is a task that takes less than 2 minutes to complete, then do them right away). Try out different approaches to see what works best for you.

I have had some amazing results using this technique. I have been able to complete tasks or work (including writing this blog) quicker and whilst feeling less stress and anxiety, less pressure to complete the task because it’s not been hanging over me for a long time and gaining that all-important dopamine hit from the sense of achievement and remembering to celebrate my little achievements with a cheer!

I hope this has helped you and please, if you try it out, please let me know how it goes.

My experience of Coaching

This time last year, I had no idea what a coach was or does. The only inkling I had was garnered from films, hearing some California native accessing a life coach who tells them how to live their lives through woo-woo activities like yoga and meditation, or crystals and incense (incidentally, I love meditation and enjoy regular yoga plus have incense burning in my house on the regular so no judgement here). 

To my surprise, a real coach doesn’t prescribe activities or goals, or create plans; all of the actions come from the client themselves. Who else knows the client best and why would anyone else be able to create an impactful, long-term plan for them that will both motivate them and make a difference? It seems that, in the modern world, we are getting so used to having everything immediately and delayed gratification is becoming a thing of the past? Examples are everywhere: want to be entertained, well you can binge-watch whole seasons of programmes as soon as they are released; want to lose weight? Well, there are drugs or operations available for people to buy that take the effort out of reducing our weight and becoming healthier? Want to read a self-help book to improve aspects of your life? Well, there are apps that reduce the book to its finer or most salient points for you to take away. 

Coaching, in my experience, is the epitome of delayed gratification. Clients come to me for help with their life goals, experiences of overwhelm or stress, changing aspects of their career they are unhappy with, and through the sessions, slowly build on the behaviours that will move you towards your goals. This is not a “one and done” experience. The things that my clients work on may only be relatively small aspects of their life, but by taking sensible, achievable actions, make slow, long-term change that will help them achieve their ultimate goal. This small goal may also impact other aspects of their lives that they didn’t expect to happen. This is quite common, and one theory calls it “broaden and build”. As you practice this new behaviour, you realise that it works and can be used for another behaviour and another. You use the newly applied action, experience the benefits, iron out the kinks of what might not be working, and then apply it to another aspect of your life. One example I have experienced is the use of mindfulness and meditation. I used it initially to calm myself and create more focus for work, but quickly realised it helped me in other aspects and recognised it allowed me to focus better when playing a video game or chess with my wife. I then used the teachings to apply to how I am when I drive, as I can be very reactive when other drivers don’t follow the rules of the road (my stickler saboteur, as referred to in Positive Intelligence). I broadened and built up this new skill to improve different and sometimes unexpected parts of my life. 

Since becoming a coach, my eyes have been opened to endless possibilities that come from being coached. I was surprised to experience something that can have such a profound effect on the people I have coached and also vicariously impact and inspire me. 

In my coaching sessions, I have seen clients prepare for an interview after multiple disappointments, change how they are going to approach the next interview by putting themselves in the interviewer’s place and having space to think about what they would want in a new employee, prepare appropriately, and be successful; I have seen people change their life from being hectic and stressful to being more balanced and enjoyable; I have seen people remove clutter from their lives that was making them feel unhappy in their own home, starting small (a pile in the corner or a drawer full of clutter) and then be able to approach a full room to declutter.  All of these examples have come from coaching sessions, where they were the sole focus of their attention, they had time to think about what will truly make them happy or how they can be successful, gave them time to recognise the things they were doing that were having a negative impact on their personal or professional lives, and could formulate their own plan or next steps and not be lectured into trying something they know will probably fail. 

Being a coach and seeing people come alive in sessions when visualising the future they want, feeling what their future self could feel like if they make those changes, becoming invested in their plans moving forward, seeing how successful they have been since making those changes, and recognising how far they have come in the short time they have spent in our sessions has been incredible. It is an amazing feeling to know that I have had a small part in their development and that these changes could make a lifelong impact on my clients and their families, that there is a strong chance that those changes will open up new opportunities for them and enrich their lives even farther. 

Coaching is truly a powerful tool for people who are wanting to make long-lasting, impactful change. 

Deepening my Practice

I have recently started a new course to become a qualified and certified Meditation Teacher and since starting the course I have felt that my existing practice may have not been deep enough for my overall wellbeing.

There has been aspects of my personality that have become more apparent and overwhelming in certain situations, and when experiencing these emotions and having practiced mindfulness for a long time, have not been pleasant to experience and live with . it can actually cause me to spiral further at times and almost double down on the mood. I know that it is ok to experience these emotions…we are after all human and cannot function without them; but at these times, I have noticed that it is affecting me more than it should.

I recently heard that our reaction to stimuli like this lasts for 90 seconds and after that, we are prolonging the emotion. For me I have noticed more and more that this is true, that I can return to a more neutral or even happy stance very quickly but that for some reason, choose to prolong the state I am in.

With this in mind, I have taken steps to deepen my practice and begin using Metta or Loving Kindness meditation more often. I am also trying to learn a little more about breath work and this morning completed an energising breath meditation on Apple Fitness + with Jessica Skye after I meditated for 30 minutes listening to Binaural beats on Headspace and focusing on a certain part of the track. This practice has really helped my mood as I was feeling a little scatter brained and demotivated to be creative or learn anything new. Now I have written this blog post and will work through a little more of my new course.

As for the loving kindness, I have noticed that I am not as reactive for as long and this has been reflected in one of my children’s reactions to my mood. She has been able to take her mood down a little quicker maybe because I haven’t gone overboard with mine.

What a wonderful thing to have experienced this morning.

Its Official!

Its Official! I am now a fully qualified Positive Psychology Performance coach. My certificates have arrived and I am so pleased that the hard work I have put in over the last 7 months have come to fruition.

Looking back to where I was to where I am now, there is a part of me that can’t come to terms with the changes in my life and how I have managed it. To qualify as a coach was a very quick decision. It didn’t take me long and much research to see that I already had a lot of the skills I felt was necessary to be successful in this role and to start helping people. It was obvious that finding my meaning and purpose again was essential and this opportunity came about at the exact right time….some would say, it was serendipity or destiny. Whatever it was, I am so grateful to be doing this and already helping people become the less anxious, happier people they deserve to be.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me so far….watch this space

Calmness…

After years of struggling to deal with my constant anxiety and overwhelm, one of the keys things I started to do was use mindfulness and meditation.

Through this daily-ish practice, I learned that I was viewing things in a way which caused a lot of my anxiety. I placed pressure on myself whilst at work because I believed that other people had high expectations of the work I produced when ‘good enough’ was good enough. I started to recognise that I was always rushing, double checking my work, doing things twice because I forgot if I had done something or not and placing undue time pressures on myself.

I recognised that I needed to have better strategies to cope with the workload.

I started with journaling in particular, Bullet Journaling for productivity. With this technique I immediately improved my focus at work and rarely missed deadlines or had to check if I had completed the task; It was already written down and recorded in the BuJo.

Whilst meditating I recognised where my anxiety would show up in my body…where I can feel the first signs of stress in my body. For me it is a feeling in the centre of my chest….its linked to the shortness of breath I experience when having a panic attack. With that foreknowledge or warning, I could put actions in place. What is causing me to react this way? What can I do to negate this? Who can I ask for support? I remember going to one of my line managers, informing that I can feel a panic attack and anxiety coming along and then verbalising the plan I would follow to reduce this. Usually it was creating small wins for myself. Things that I may have been deprioritising over other tasks but are starting to get on top of me.

Giving yourself time to think, time to feel and time to plan or act is key to reducing tasks.

Give yourself permission to prioritise you and what you need to do rather than what others may need of you, is like a muscle….it needs to be flexed often for you to benefit and grow.

If you are interested in what I do for anxiety and want to give yourself time to think, feel and act. Contact me via the link above.

Sunk Cost Fallacy

I have encountered the Sunk Cost Fallacy and Loss Aversion in my past. I was struggling on a course I didn’t enjoy and I was in a relationship (loss aversion) that I had been unhappy in for a long time. Both of these situations were happening at the same time and contributed to my increasing state of anxiousness and panic attacks. I needed to take action but was stuck.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy can show up in many different situations and usually involves some kind of investment; this could be financial, time or even social. We may choose to prioritise the invested time in the past, not prioritising the present and unable to visualise the potential benefits for the future. In my situation, I didn’t recognise what affect my present situation was having on my health and happiness until it was too late and my body rebelled! The investment of time in both my relationship and university course made me lose sight of what I wanted and what would make me happy; neither of which were doing that. My body told me what I wasn’t ready to hear but needed to.

I chose to look forward. I visualised what my life could look like based on what makes me happy. I visualised that happiness and then worked backward to recognise the steps I needed to take to get me there. This is a technique I now use often in Positive Psychology sessions with clients. This can enable a person to truly see what they want, disregard anything that might get in the way and then work out the steps to move you towards that goal.

If you are encountering a decision that is difficult and you have invested lots of time, money or effort into, and you are seeing that the pay off to continue isnt favourable over another potentially better outcome then consider these points to make the right decision for you.

1. Set clear, defined goals from the start - this makes is easier to evaluate if this is moving you towards your goal - focus on the objectives rather than the investments and see if these are more aligned to your long term success or ability to flourish.

2. Make data driven decisions - I know this sounds cold, but choosing to analyse the decision, even if it involves deep emotions, can help you recognise if continuing on is the right path for you to follow. Find your inner Vulcan and use logic to help make that decision.

3. Use a Decision Matrix - Evaluate the options within a framework to weigh up the potential future benefits agains past investments - focus on what will truly benefit you in the future. My example would be, I am unhappy with this course, I don’t enjoy it as a job role for my future and can’t see me being motivated to excel in this role; another option is to take another route using my established skills and character to help people in the way I know I can truly excel in.

If you would like to explore your options to move you towards your desired future then please, get in touch and book your free chemistry session with The Calm Coach.